Take a good look at this new BMW 5-series saloon. See how its "subtle convex and concave surfaces are matched with elegant sculpture lines running from the front to the rear of the car"? The effect is of "an automotive canvas on which light and shadow interplay", wouldn't you say? You wouldn't? Well, BMW would. And does, in the publicity materials accompanying the car.
This is the fifth version of the 5 series (the first came out in another period altogether for German expressionism, in 1972), and even if BMW can't make up its mind whether it's a painting or a statue, the important thing clearly is that we recognise it to be some kind of work of art. Of course, everyone is going to have their own interpretation, but when I look at the new 5 series I note an inherent tension in the work between power and affordability, and feel a strange, mournful stirring in the region of my wallet.
I sense, at the same time, that the piece may well be mocking me for my desires and may in fact be some kind of allegory on the nature of status symbols. I also see an executive's company-leased chariot with a pair of top-notch cup-holders, poised in the range between the hyper-executive 7 series, which is mostly driven by football club chairmen, and the sub-executive 3 series, which is mostly driven by drug dealers.
But any collector of this artist's work is going to consider the new 5 series to be worth at least a tentative bid. Funds permitting, that is. Offers are invited at around £25,000 for the entry-level 525i SE model. There is also a diesel version, the 530d SE at just over £30,000, which can go 40 miles to the gallon - a faintly miraculous performance given that the sheer bulk of the 5 series tends to suggest that you'll be lucky to go 40 yards without refuelling.
I drove the six-cylinder, three-litre, petrol-powered 530i SE, which is swift and thunderously powerful in a subtle, sinuous kind of way, yet which is set to be dwarfed by the imminent arrival of the range- topping eight-cylinder 545i SE - £41,555 worth of Beemer, which, presumably, doesn't so much accelerate as explode. (Incidentally, the 525i, the 530d, the 545i ...BMW must have the least consumer-friendly demarcation system in existence. One suspects that only people with broad-ranging experience of code-cracking and previous champions of Countdown will feel entirely comfortable with it.)
Already intriguingly expensive, my 5 series had had something in the region of £10,000 worth of optional extras bolted on to it by BMW, which boosted its price up close to the budget for a semi-detached family house in some areas of the country. I drove comfortable in the knowledge that my rear passengers were protected from the worst my driving could throw at them by rear side airbags; they drove uncomfortable in the knowledge that the car had sports suspension, making the ride more pleasurable for the driver than for anyone else in the cabin.
But anyway, my headlights shone in the direction of my turning wheels; my navigation system spoke aloud to me of the best route to my destination, sometimes correctly; my through-load ski-bag storage system remained unused, but I'm sure would have been brilliant, had I decided to go skiing in London last week. And my interior was squeaky with the finest cuts of leather and my dashboard incorporated an acre of carefully buffed poplar.
Poplar? I've never been so poplar. I was the most poplar guy on my block. As for the cup-holders - well, they are flush-mounted on the dash and appear at first to be CD trays but, with a gentle press of the fingertips, they arc outwards with the silent smoothness of the world's best-trained butler.
But in what sense is this a more important piece of work than the outgoing 5 series, which hardly stinted itself when it came to impressing onlookers with upholstery and woodwork? Well, the new model is slightly bigger inside - about 4cm in most directions, which doesn't sound a lot, but which could mean that there is now room in the back for your toes, which you might not have had before. It's slightly larger but slightly lighter, courtesy of some cunning use of aluminium. It goes faster on less fuel and has more safety features. And the steering has been upgraded to "active", so that an engine kicks in to assist you at low speeds. Thus, at a crawl, you can achieve full lock in three-quarters of a turn of the steering wheel - which means that you can reverse into a parking space without winding your arms around each other and gradually dislocating your shoulders.
Plus, of course, it's built to withstand hurricanes. Don't tell BMW, but I accidentally backed their new 5 series into a fixed bollard at a filling station. If I had been in a Daewoo Matiz, they would still be cutting me out. The Beemer was utterly unmarked. If you only buy one piece of original art this year, you could do worse.
The lowdown
BMW 530i SE
Price: £30,955
Top speed: 155mph
Acceleration: 0-62mph in 6.9 secs
Consumption: 29.7mpg (combined)
At the wheel: Tracey Emin
On the stereo: The Rembrandts
En route for: Arles
