This motorbike is called 999 and that seems to be a good choice. It's certainly the number I most felt like dialling when the nice Italian man in the Ducati shop in Croydon handed over the key and said, "Have a good weekend." Police, ambulance or fire brigade? Better send all three. Police because - look at it - it has to be illegal, doesn't it? Ambulance because I'm going to be dead quite soon. Fire brigade... erm, because it's bright red and hot. Oh, and when it's upside down, 999 will read 666, so better send a priest as well.
Actually it's called the 999 because it is the replacement for the 998 and it is, well, one better. To be more precise, it's lighter, faster, more aerodynamic and simpler. The 998 replaced the 996, which replaced the 916, the 888 and the 851, which was the bike that started Ducati's domination of the World Superbike Championships. Superbike means very, very good bike - the top-of-the-range bike from every manufacturer and the one that gets raced in the World Superbike Championships. Got it? Anyway, enough laddishness. What it all boils down to is that the Ducati 999 goes like the clappers.
But it's also beautiful. Ducatis have always appealed to the aesthete in a way that no Honda or Yamaha has ever managed. (It's down to styling and Italianness really. A Ducati 916 once even made it into the Guggenheim Museum in New York.) And this new one is no exception. Everything is the right shape; it is low, sleek and stylish, with beautiful details like the pinhole headlights and the shape of the tank. It has to be red, of course - red is the colour of Italian racing.
In a recent survey of the coolest brands in Britain, Ducati beat clothes designer Alexander McQueen, sparse hi-fi specialist Bang & Olufsen, raunchy underwear label Agent Provocateur and the Tate Modern to come top. The 999 is the top-of-the-range Ducati - its superbike - and at the moment there are only a handful in the country. Can you see where this is going? Yes, right now, I am one of the coolest people in Britain. Where are you, Mr McQueen? I'm going to come and pull a wheelie right outside your shop and teach you a lesson in advanced cool. Loser.
Actually, I feel pretty much the opposite of cool - wobbling, terrified, up the A23 in the hot Friday evening rush-hour traffic. And only the deeply uncool say "cool" now anyway, don't they? This survey is a sham! But the noise my new red devil makes is beautiful - most modern bikes whine, and whine louder; a Ducati burbles and roars. And I make it home alive, which is a bonus.
The following morning I need to go to Sainsbury's, which is a couple of miles up the road. Perfect for a bit of confidence-building. But half an hour later I find myself, inexplicably, in Aylesbury. Then Oxford, Wallingford, Pangbourne. It is several hours before I get back to Sainsbury's - with a sore arse and a Cheshire cat grin - after swallowing up most of the A roads in the home counties. This bike goes like stink and handles like a dream. I won't bore you with petrol-headed blokiness. But think in terms of music. You can pick up a cheap violin at any old music shop - the Japanese do perfectly good ones. It will be fine if you plan to scratch away in the back desk of the second violins of an amateur orchestra. But if you are a soloist and you plan to perform Bruch's violin concerto you will be wanting something a little more special. It's the same with motorbikes. And the Ducati 999 is a Stradivarius. In the right hands it will make beautiful music. I'm not saying I have the right hands, but at the moment I feel like Nigel Kennedy.
When the shopping finally gets done, and I return to the bike in Sainsbury's car park, a German man is practically wetting himself with excitement. "The new 999, I have only seen it in magazines. It is yours?" "Yes," I lie. He calls his girlfriend over to have a look. Soon several people are admiring the beautiful red motorbike in Sainsbury's car park. Maybe I really am the coolest person in Britain.
On the downside, the Ducati 999 is uncomfortable, impractical and expensive - you can buy a nice family saloon for the price. There are far more sensible ways of getting from A to B. But then the Ducati 999 has nothing to do with being sensible or getting from A to B. It's all about where you go in between.
