“I’m completely aware of the limitations of my talents,” said the amiable and good-natured Andrew Jones, minister for minibuses. It’s rare to find such self-knowledge on the government benches, but the Department of Transport does better than most in developing a denial of the self among its incumbents.

Back in July, the prime minister said he would definitely announce his decision on airport expansion in the south-east by the end of the year. Suitably encouraged, the transport secretary, Patrick McLoughlin, chose the Conservative party conference in October to announce that, he too, would definitely be announcing his decision on airport expansion in the south-east by the end of the year. It began to look as if there was a better than even chance the two decisions might be the same.

Since then things have become rather more tricky as the government failed to observe Sir Humphrey Appleby’s first rule of announcing a report: “Never commission anything to which you don’t already know the answer.” Howard Davies was supposed to come back with a firm “Anywhere but Heathrow” and his report’s conclusion in favour of the airport has made life politically awkward for the Tories, who count some powerful voices against the third runway. Not least their mayoral candidate, Zac Goldsmith. The current favourite to get the nod for airport expansion is the long grass.

“When an announcement is to be made, I will make an announcement,” McLoughlin said, gnomically, when faced with the first of several questions about the government’s apparent delay in making up its mind. The shadow transport minister, Lilian Greenwood, pressed him a little harder. “When a decision is to be made, I will make a decision,” he declared firmly. Travelling on McLoughlin’s watch will soon be be a nightmare. A la recherché du voyage perdu. Is this train going to Birmingham? “When an announcement about the destination is to be made, I will make an announcement.” McLoughlin’s magical mystery tours.

Or wheels within wheels, though no announcement had yet been made on what type of wheels or whose they were. All McLoughlin could say was that they definitely weren’t his. The Heathrow decision is so far above his pay grade, he wasn’t even in a position to announce that an announcement to delay the announcement had been been announced by the government for later in the day.

McLoughlin seemed to find this impotence strangely liberating and went on to make further zen-like statements that could have meant anything or nothing. First he confessed that traffic congestion in Bradford-on-Avon was keeping him awake at night, then he was keen for the public not to read too much into the word “speed” the government had inserted between “high” and “rail”. “High-speed rail is not about speed,” he insisted. Slower is sometimes faster, grasshopper.

Proceedings took on an even more surreal quality when the SNP’s Stewart McDonald asked what progress the government was making with its first UK spaceport. Had Prestwick been considered? As the government can’t even make its mind up about where extra planeloads of American tourists should land, planning a landing site and visa-processing hut for Martians felt a little premature.

Nor will the Martians be any the wiser about how to get from Scotland to London if the railways minister, Claire Perry, has anything to do with it. Perry is unable to talk in anything but management cliches. “This is a government of delivery,” she said. The prompt delivery of non-delivery announcements standing at platform four. “Cycling ambition cities, cascade of rolling stock across the TOCs,” she continued, by now not even making sense to herself. Calling Earth to Planet Perry, your spaceport awaits.