People were queueing up to diss this Infiniti Q70. The mister was unimpressed by the dieselly pullback, especially as you pull out: “I don’t even think it’s got turbo!” he thundered. “It’s not even as good as the Passat.” My mother thought the front passenger seat way too hot, and the white ash wood dash the ugliest she’d seen.

I felt oppressed by its mighty size – a 1,896kg kerb weight – and the fact that it was continually making a noise. When you reverse, when you drive near anybody, when anybody drives near you – always beeping. It’s like being attached to a heart monitor. Should you accidentally leave it in “drive” when you get out and lock it, it emits a high-pitched squeak that attracts cats. Knowing nobody would believe this, I took a picture of the cats crowded round it, which is available upon request.

Put simply, and cats aside, this car is an almighty ball-ache in a city. Constant stop-starting showcases its performance where it is weakest, in the low gears. There’s a display that reveals how much CO2 you’ve saved, thanks to the automatic engine cut-off at lights: really, it just reminds you how much you’re splurging the rest of the time. The bonnet is so high and wide, you can’t see over it, and have to cross your fingers there are no cats under there.

It’s a different story on the motorway – first, awesome satnav, so responsive to traffic that you can get from south London to Brighton, never meeting more than three cars in a row. The seven-speed automatic makes the top of the dial a bit too inviting, but it has intelligent cruise control with low speed following, for people with heavy feet. The steering is speed sensitive, and the regenerative braking system both improves the mpg – much better than you’d expect for a beast this size – and makes you feel a bit better, as though all that top-end Japanese technology were doing something more useful than over-warming your passenger’s behindment. The rear view camera is frankly amazing; everything inside is covered in leather, like a car auditioning for a part in an ad about an executive; the air conditioning knew what temperature I wanted to be before I did; and the eco-driving indicator lamp… well, I never did figure out what it indicated. But I liked it.

In the end, though, I felt these were all bells and whistles looking for a main event: endless accessorising, and underneath it, a big, clunky car monster.

Infiniti Q70

Price (with options) £39,180
Top speed 137mph
Acceleration 0-62mph in 8.9 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 57.6mpg
CO2 emissions 129g/km
Eco rating 7/10
Cool rating 5/10