My first car? A Renault 5, orange, £15, window mould and holes in the boot. Second car: Fiat 127, blue, £350, more rust than Iron Maiden. Third: VW Polo, £900, maroon, stained seats and only one working lock... you get the picture. Can you judge a man by the cars he has owned? Do they form a sort of motoring CV? If so, you'll know that a) style has never been an issue for me, b) neither has performance, and c) my parents aren't rich. What you won't know is the sheer excitement (and relief) that getting into a new car brings me. Having spent so many years on the rough end of motoring's affections, I really know how to appreciate the smooth. I'm a family man with three young children, and a slobbering dog, and I hope that through these pages you'll get to read not about torque outputs and maximum axle weights, but about which cars make your kids feel nauseous, and which models will make your neighbours sick with envy.
Your questions answered
Q What on earth does all the jargon mean in car ads? It's just another example of boys being boys playing with their toys. Why can't they just say what they mean?
Eleanor Dawson, York
A Hi Eleanor, When it comes to small ads, an acronym saves you lineage and therefore money. But as you say, speaking in capital letters also becomes a game in which lonely men who spend their days scanning 'cars for sale' columns can pretend what they're doing is more glamorous than it is. Recently, however, Network Q teamed up with the Plain English Campaign to produce a jargon-free guide to dealerspeak, which included terms such as:
18AW - 18in alloy wheels; FAR - front armrest; ESR - electric sunroof; and ICE - in-car entertainment. But even spelling these terms out can bamboozle anybody who doesn't think it's fun to spend weekends lying on your back covered in oil (on second thoughts...). My favourite ad, which I spotted in the Salisbury Journal, stated simply:
'Mrs pregnant, Porsche got to go - gutted.' I was never sure whether he was gutted at having to sell his car, or because his wife was expecting.
Q Dear Mr Love, Which car offers the most comfortable back-seat shag?
Caroline, London
A Sex in cars should never be about comfort, and always about excitement. If it's comfort you're after, a Transit van will do the job. If it's excitement, try the still-warm bonnet of a red E-Type.
Q Last time I looked the upper speed limit on all Britain's roads was 70mph. Why then do manufacturers make vehicles that can do 150mph? And why do people like yourself go on about how fast cars are? Don't you realise that speeding is illegal, dangerous and stupid!
Alastair McKay, Bath
A Alastair, You're right, the speed limit is 70, though you could be forgiven for thinking it was 90. On your behalf I phoned the press office at Mercedes to ask them why they made such fast cars. Their spokeswoman said: 'We make cars according to the market demand for them. Our customers want fast cars and so that's what we give them.' She did point out that Mercedes has led the way in innovative safety developments, airbags, crumple zones, etc. As to your point about us journalists... well, you're right, of course. However, I have a no-nonsense wife who has little faith in my driving ability, so hopefully you'll find reviews on these pages which take the macho out of motoring.
Q Dear Martin, My mother-in-law is 74 years old and her trusty Polo has finally driven itself into the ground. She wants something similar and has a budget of about £7,000. She says this will be her 'last' vehicle. Any suggestions?
Jackie, Dorset
A 'Last' sounds a bit final. I'm tempted to suggest a leather-clad Harley so she can go out in a blaze of glory. For £7,000, she has plenty of options, but the one that'll turn most heads at the bingo is the new Fiat Panda - and she'll save £1,000.
Q I'm fed up with driving the mass-produced cars that are churned out these days and have decided to buy a classic. But I don't know anything about cars. Do you have any tips/pointers for the lazy vintage enthusiast?
Ian Wickes, Leeds
A Today's cars are like Stepford wives. Efficient and reliable, but scarily boring, so a classic is a great idea. The first thing to do is decide what you want to drive, then contact the owner's club of that make. They'll give you all the help and advice you need to find a car and then, importantly, keep it on the road. Auctions are another avenue to explore, see www.classic-car-auction.co.uk for details. It's worth remembering that cars made before 31 December 1972 pay no road tax and are cheap to insure. My neighbour, for instance, bought an Austin A35 (his fifth) for £1,800 and has insured it for a year for £90. Another alternative is to join a members' collective, such as the Classic Car Club, where for an annual fee you can drive any of its fleet of immaculate vintage cars.
Q Hi, We thought it might be a laugh to drive to the Olympics. We've got our hands on an old Land Rover. We figured we could sleep in the back. Do you think we'll make it? Baz and Chris, Birmingham
A The games start on 13 August, so you have five days to drive 2,500 miles. Better get started. When you get there, report to the British Team office.
They could do with all the help they can get.
