What car do you drive?

A Ford Fiesta. It's a man's car. Or at least it was until I bought it from him. It's a classic K-reg 1.1, in eggshell blue. The boot doesn't lock, and the stereo's held on with chewing gum, but aside from those two minor points it's absolutely rubbish.

What does that say about you?

I need a new car.

What do you like best about it?

The fact that it's a car. Beyond that it has nothing whatsoever in its favour. Except perhaps the colour: an exquisite lapis lazuli. It makes me cry to look at it. For all sorts of reasons.

Why did you buy it?

I needed to get to Milton Keynes in a hurry, and there were no buses.

What kind of driver are you?

I drive the way that I make love. Slowly, carefully and with a hammer under my seat.

Have you ever crashed?

I once drove into the back of another car at low speed. I apologised and it was all OK. I can't really remember what she looked like. I've dined out on that story, I can tell you.

What do you use your car for?

Driving mainly. Though sometimes, if I'm in the mood, I'll sit quietly at the wheel, with the engine ticking over, just enjoying the noise of the 1.1, the smell of the petrol fumes, and then at the last moment I'll get up and open the garage door. I'd do it more often but it does tend to give me a headache.

What's in the glove compartment?

It's more of a ledge than a compartment. It's got a Gary Glitter tape in it, and a leaflet about a Cornish monkey sanctuary. I went to Cornwall once. I visited a Monkey Sanctuary. It was brilliant. I picked up a leaflet. Can't remember where I put it though. Probably knocking about in a glove compartment somewhere. Or on a ledge-like equivalent.

What music do you listen to on the road?

Glitter.

What would be your dream car?

A Ford Fiesta. Flame red. P-reg. Maybe even a 1.3. Man! I'd eat those 1.1 K-regs for breakfast! Probably never happen though. Still, a guy can dream.

• Iain Lee presents the 11 O'clock Show on Channel 4