Tomorrow morning thousands of Londoners will leave their cars at home and start what we hope will be a lifelong relationship with public transport. Mayor Livingstone assures us London Transport is ready for them. But are yesterday's drivers ready for the capital's buses and trains? With apologies to Gerard Hoffnung, we offer a few tips to tomorrow's first-time commuters:

1. Tell the bus driver the precise address of your workplace and your required time of arrival. Don't be alarmed at the volley of affectionate abuse.

2. Bus and tube fares, like museum fees, are voluntary in London. Some pay, some don't. Beware of uniformed fraudsters demanding a 'ticket or a tenner'.

3. Greet each of your fellow passengers and announce your name and job title as you move down the vehicle.

4. Ensure your personal stereo can be heard by all. It is usually appreciated if you sing along with gusto.

5. All food on public transport is communal. Soups, roast chicken, trifles and matured clarets are suitable offerings. Make sure you get off to a generous start. (It is a lapse of manners to offer 'fast' food on these leisurely journeys.) Bons voyages!