Kia may be a Korean company, but the bumf that comes with my test car is keen to underline the Venga's European credentials. Designed by a European, built in Europe, exclusively for the European market... OK, I'm getting the message: it's very un-Korean, and very European.

My first thought was Spain. My Spanish isn't great, but I think that Venga is the imperative singular of venir, to come. "Come!" Not as in "Have an orgasm!" (unlikely in this car, about which more later), but as in "Come here!" It's a Kia Come Here! Here boy, more like a dog than a car. That's why they don't make them in Korea; they'd probably be eaten.

Then I thought France (actually, the Venga is designed by a Bavarian and built in the Czech Republic but never mind about that). My French is even worse than my Spanish, but I speak enough to know that, in French, Venga means grumpy football manager, phonetically speaking anyway (kinda). And it got me wondering what your man Arsène would make of this car...

Well, his frugal side would like the price, and the fact that you get a lot out of it for what you put in. He'd enjoy the seven-year guarantee; you don't get one of them with Cesc Fàbregas. His concern for the future of the planet (is he even like that?) would appreciate some of Kia's EcoDynamics technology on the diesel model – such as the intelligent stop-and-go system, which cuts out the engine when the car is stationary.

The professor would also like the fact that it's roomier inside than it looks from the outside; he'd maybe think he could get only little Andrey Arshavin and Samir Nasri in the back; but actually – with the clever sliding rear seats – he could probably get tall Nicklas Bendtner and Abou Diaby in there (so long as they didn't have too much kit, because sliding the seats back reduces boot space). And if they had the top-of-range Venga 3 trim level, then Nicklas and Abou wouldn't have to worry about being recognised, because of the privacy glass on the rear windows and tailgate. Or, if you're not a famous footballer, and you just fancied an orgasm, then the back would be the place to go, especially with all that leg room. However, as I hinted at before, you shouldn't rely solely on the thrill of the ride to get you there. Because – and I fear this is what will ultimately put Arsène off the Venga – there isn't a lot of performance there. If you're in the diesel, which is clearly the one to have, don't even think about overtaking anything, unless it's parked and you've got a good mile of clear road ahead. Very little va va voom, in other words.

Kia Venga 1.4 CRDi EcoDynamic

Top speed 104mphAcceleration 0-62mph in 14 seconds
Combined consumption 62.8mpg
CO2 emissions 117g/km
Eco rating 9/10
Bound for Ikea
In a word Un-Korean