The Vauxhall Insignia hatchback is, undeniably, a handsome car. Look at it – it's elegant, svelte you might say. Half-close your eyes and it could possibly even be a Jaguar. OK, maybe three-quarters close them. No? Four-quarters then, and imagine. See, there it is. Anyway, I think it's a looker.

I don't want one, though. This has more to do with my own prejudices and preconceptions than it does with the car. It's part snobbery, part inverted snobbery, probably a lot to do with my own background. I blame my parents – for everything, obviously, but specifically for this car review.

I don't want an Insignia because of the griffin badge, because it's a Vauxhall. I'd take a Mondeo any day of the week. Because, to me, a Ford is an honest working-class motor, with an honest worker at the wheel. No pretensions. Whereas a Vauxhall Insignia driver wears a tie (the jacket is obviously hung in the back). It's more aspirational and it's parked outside a suburban semi, possibly with mock Tudor half-timbered gables. Slightly smugly parked, though not absolutely contentedly, because it would really like to be parked – on gravel – outside a Georgian rectory. It would like to be the Jaguar it may or may not look a little bit like.

All of which is ridiculous. Vauxhall, of course, is owned by an American company, and the Insignia is actually made in Germany. It has very little to do with English class hang-ups. And it's an excellent car.

Well, excellent if you want to cruise comfortably (and ever so slightly bourgeoisly. Stop it) along a motorway, and probably with your jacket hanging in the back. I'm glad I'm not in the back with my jacket, to be honest – its svelteness means that although legroom is fine, there's not a huge amount of headroom back there.

What about off the motorway, on a nice curving A road (maybe you have a sales meeting in Woking)? Utterly joyless, I'm afraid. Admittedly this model is more about (quite) low CO2 emissions and miles per gallon than it is about power, but need it feel so baggy and unengaging? I've driven canal boats that are more involving. Certainly a Mondeo is more fun – though I know you're not really allowed to enjoy driving any more.

So I'm going to stick with Ford – blue oval, blue collar. Well, until I make it proper; then I'm going to overtake the griffin – bypass it completely – and go straight for the big cat. A Jaguar that looks like a Jaguar even with your eyes wide open.

Vauxhall Insignia SRi VX-line Hatchback 1.4 16V VVT

Price £25,205
Top speed 127mph
Acceleration 0-60mph in 10.1 seconds
Average consumption 47.9mpg
CO2 emissions 134g/km
Eco rating 6/10
Cool rating 4/10