Would I mind filling in for Giles Smith for a week? Are you kidding? I get a free car for a week, brand spanking new, with that gorgeous new-car smell and most probably a full tank of petrol, to drive wherever I want? Would I mind? Don't be daft, I'd be delighted.
But whoa there. Hang about. That's not a car. Not enough wheels for a start. Not quite sure what it is though. It could be a motorbike, except that it looks like it's come out of the Conran shop - all chrome pipes and brushed aluminium and curves in the right places. A giant cappuccino machine?
It does have Harley-Davidson written on it - there could be a clue there. It is a motorbike? The new Harley-Davidson V-Rod? But where does the key go, I wonder? And why are the wheels filled in? No, this won't do at all. Far too scary. So I hand it all over to the bike-mad travel editor - the key, the vehicle, the responsibility, everything. He'll know how to deal with it. And it might make a nice change from his scooter.
For the next few days, the travel editor comes into the office with a new swagger, a big grin, and tales of awesome power, acceleration, and passersby frozen in admiration. No, this won't do either. Give me that key back - and tell me where to put it. Right, here goes. Brrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm. Good sound - and different to the look-at-me hammer-drill noise Harleys usually make. More refined.
Harley-Davidsons are motorbikes for people who don't really like riding motorbikes. They're big, clumsy beasts with all the disadvantages of motorbikes (you get cold and wet, and quite often die) and none of the advantages (they're not exciting to ride, and they're awful at nipping in and out of traffic). They cost about the same as a car, too. The only good thing about Harleys is their romantic names - Night Train, Fatboy, Electra Glide - and this one doesn't even have one of them. V-Rod hardly conjures up Route 66, does it?
But - and skip this paragraph if you're not into bikes, or if you're a girl - this Harley is totally different. It's the first one ever to be water-cooled. The 1,130cc V-Twin engine is virtually the same as the engine used in a superbike and produces an awful lot of power (115bhp at 8,250rpm) and torque (74 lb-ft at 7,000rpm). Which in layman's terms means that although this bike looks like it's only good for cruising slowly along Sunset Boulevard, it actually goes like the clappers - the fastest and most powerful Harley ever.
Twist your right hand, and the road in front is sucked in like a piece of spaghetti. Schlerp. It's gone. The V-Rod is still not very good at going round corners, but it's better at it than any other Harley-Davidson.
I've never been in or on anything that turned so many heads. It's like being Robbie Williams for the weekend. Except that most of the starers are blokes, obviously. So make that Kylie. And make her naked - that's the sort of stir I'm creating round town. Well, maybe the looks aren't all admiring - there's the odd you-sad-twat look too, but they're probably just jealous.
It's fun just to park and watch from a distance as people (men) walk by, catch sight of it, stop, then walk round it, heads tilted slightly to one side. Like they're in a gallery. It's mainly to do with its extraordinary silveriness - what isn't brushed aluminium is chrome. And it's long and low, and kinda sexy, I suppose.
So where to go on this ridiculous silver missile? A long straight road across the Mojave desert would be good, or the Strip in Vegas. OK then, up the M40. Motorways are boring on motorbikes so I turn off and do a lap or two of Oxfordshire, the sky reflected in the chrome. But there are too many corners in Oxfordshire, and not enough people to look at me. Also, Oxfordshire has hardly any glass-sided shops along the roads and I can't admire myself as I flash by. So I come back to town and drive the length of the King's Road, the nearest London has to a cruising strip, even though I'm about 30 years too late getting there. And I'm back to being Kylie again - so I do it again.
The lowdown
Harley-Davidson V-Rod
Price: £13,995
Engine: 1,130cc V-Trim
Top speed: 140mph
Acceleration: 0-60 in...you don't do this for bikes, but it's about two seconds, honest
At the wheel: Chris Eubank's more successful elder brother
On the stereo: Not a totally daft question, as some Harleys have stereos. This one doesn't though
En route for: Mulholland Drive
· Giles Smith returns next Tuesday.
