On Richard Hammond's jet-car crash
He has chipped one of his whitened teeth. Other than that he's fine (2006)
On the Porsche Cayman
There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub and then licking his back clean (2005)
On demonstrations
There is something really funny about the sight of an angry young woman being hosed into the gutter by a tank (2001)
Om the Guggenheim museum, Bilbao
It is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. And I have seen Kristin Scott Thomas in the nude (2001)
To the pilot who's late arrival delayed his flight
I sincerely hope you have a penchant for Thai ladyboys and that your colleagues find out. It is my fervent wish that from now to the end of time your itches are unreachable. And that someone writes something obscene in weed killer on your front lawn (2001)
On bad weather's effect on history
The only reason the Arabs and Jews have managed to keep their nasty little war going for 50 years is because it never bloody rains there. If the postwar powers had put Israel in Manchester, there'd have been no bloodshed (2001)
On press photos of his "Pot Gear" belly in Barbados
They completely missed the big story. The reason I'm so very fat is because I'm pregnant (2001)
On the popularity of media education over science education
Which would you rather do: hang around in Soho drinking skinny lattes with Graham Norton, or emigrate to Durham and spend your life teaching hydrogen how to speak? (2003)
On education
There is no end to the things I'd do to keep my children out of an inner-city state school. I'd rent my car to a minicab firm and my bottom to an internet downloader (2003)
Winning a National Television Award
I was a bit miffed when Al Gore won a Nobel Peace Certificate, but this more than makes up for that (2007)
On funding wildlife preservation
Why not advertise on the back of a turtle? It moves slowly up the beach and is watched by lots of people who may well be interested in buying, say, a pair of binoculars. A turtle doesn't care whether it says 'Corus' on his shell or 'Saatchi, Cohen & Oven Glove' (2003)
