The age of the privately owned vehicle is O-V-E-R. Teenagers aren’t buying cars, towns are banning them, and autonomous vehicles will soon cart us around. Nobody, though, has told the poor souls queueing for the Blackwall tunnel each morning. There were 38m vehicles on our roads at the end of last year. We have never owned more cars and vans. Solution? Move to the quietest spot in the middle of a field in Orkney, although you’ll still get stuck behind a tractor. Or try Manchester, which, according to the DVLA, last year had Britain’s fewest cars per head (0.27), followed by Nottingham (0.28), Liverpool (0.29), Oxford and Cambridge (both 0.30). In Slough, though, there are more cars than people (1.1). Britain has the worst traffic congestion in Europe.

A survey by Inrix in February found the average Londoner spent 74 hours a year in rush-hour traffic (seventh in the world); Mancunians came second with 39 hours (what are they driving, milk floats?). In Scotland, drivers in Edinburgh and Aberdeen spent 28 hours in traffic; in Wales, Newport’s drivers clocked up 24 hours; and in Belfast 21.

Move instead to Carlisle, which had the fastest traffic speeds of towns in the UK last year – 44mph – according to Satrak. Or buy a bike and move to Cambridge, which had the slowest (13.73mph). Might as well walk.