He’s finally said it, the three little words I’ve been waiting to hear: “Book your test.” At last, my driving instructor has said I’m ready to take the practical exam, but first I’ll need to get through the theory part.
The theory test is a multiple-choice exam, designed to ensure you have the basic knowledge required for a life of unsupervised driving. You should, in theory, learn the Highway Code front to back, searing all the information into your mind for all eternity; but in practice, you’ll know some, wing some, and make peace with not having the slightest for the rest.
A good memory has never been one of my strong points. I often think this when I watch TV crime dramas that involve a cold case where the detectives pull in old suspects and ask them where they were on a night in question three years ago. In that situation, surely, I would end up in the dock. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast by lunchtime let alone why for example, many moons ago, my commute was once suspiciously longer than usual. They’d say I was a liar, that my testimony couldn’t be trusted, and all because I couldn’t recall stopping for a pasty that morning. A sad, yet fitting end to my love of Greggs.
Still, it’s clever that the DVSA makes you do a theory and a practice because, as we know, there is a big difference. Like how in theory your neighbour doing DIY at 10am on a Saturday is totally fine, but in practice is a declaration of war.
But it’s been nearly a decade since I did any kind of exam revision and I just don’t know where to begin. I was certain for weeks that nothing was sinking in – even the really quirky stuff such as that road sign with the toad in the red triangle, signalling toads crossing to breeding ponds, didn’t register. Then the eureka moment came.
I was in the passenger seat with my boyfriend behind the wheel when, like a reflex, it just came out: “Two cars’ distance. At this speed you need to keep back at least two cars.”
Good work, brain. It was taking it in all along, carefully filing away the info I needed and discarding any that would just slow me down. Of course I don’t need to use up precious cerebral storage with the sign for an amorous toad crossing the road; I’ll know the croaky Casanova when I see him. There’s loads of info in the ol’ noggin after all – stopping distances, line markings, top speed of a mobility scooter (did I mention I passed?).
Although, as I’ve learned the hard way, there is one section missing from the test: how not to be a backseat driver.
• This article was amended on 31 March 2018. The original incorrectly referred to the DVLA, which deals with vehicle licensing, rather than the DVSA, which is responsible for driver standards. This has been corrected.
