Is this the end of the road for the three-point turn? In a radical update of the traditional driving test, the Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency is considering getting rid of that old favourite, the “turn in the road”, in favour of modernised requirements that “better reflect real-life driving”.

I would have thought the three-point turn is far more “modern” today than it was when I learned to drive. Back then, I had no idea why one would ever need the manoeuvre. Now, I realise we learned it in anticipation of the satnav. The “turn in the road” from my driving test was the only one I performed for about two decades, then bink: bought a TomTom, now I’m three-point-turning out of random cul-de-sacs about five times a week.

So, when modernising, I would leave that particular challenge in place.

1,000 learners are taking part in the trial of a proposed new practical exam to better mimic “real life” road conditions. Those conditions have indeed changed greatly since the test was first devised. Driving a car is no longer about zooming down clear lanes, the joy and freedom of the road flowing through your hair like a fine westerly breeze. It’s about solid traffic, petrol fumes, spy cameras, eco-guilt and simultaneous social media.

I imagine the instructor’s new requirements will go something like this…

■ It’s Black Friday and your brakes fail on the way home from Asda. Demonstrate how you would slow down through the gears, factoring in the obstacle of a massive flat-screen TV wedged on top of the gearbox.

■ Answering to the nearest 10 minutes, for how long may you remove both hands from the wheel and search the floor for a misplaced iPhone when driving on

– a straight, formerly Roman, A-road?

– a country lane without street lights?

– the M6 between Manchester and Preston?

■ In the road ahead, you will see one of those speed bumps that doesn’t go all the way across, allowing the skilled driver to align the wheels such that the obstacle causes no more than a slight wobble. When I hit the dashboard, accelerate over the sleeping policeman without spilling any froth off the macchiato wedged into the cup-holder.

■ Your satnav has become confused by Milton Keynes and sent you down the wrong sliproad; you are now driving against the flow of traffic on a dual carriageway. Style it out.

■ You’re on the M11 when an important work call comes through. But you are a responsible driver and will not simply pick up the phone on the motorway. Open, plug in and set up a hands-free kit, then work out how it talks to the Bluetooth in your mobile, without causing a road hazard by dropping below 50mph.

■ Now dictate a long text message through the device’s microphone, enunciating clearly enough that three of the 47 words come out correctly.

■ You have accidentally auto-tuned the radio to a station featuring Nick Ferrari. In your scramble to silence him, you drive into the back of a Volkswagen Passat. Demonstrate how you would engage its whiplashed driver in sufficiently confusing small talk that you are able to drive away without her realising that you have failed to hand over your insurance details.

■ You’re giving David Mellor a lift. After an unwise route choice steers you both into a traffic jam in Baker Street, your passenger shouts that you are a dribbling oik who should be more respectful of someone who’s famously had kinky sex in the newspapers. Which quieter side street do you turn left on to, to reassure Mr Mellor QC?

■ There are roadworks on the M8 near Glasgow. It is Friday. You have been stuck there for the best part of six hours. Demonstrate how you would create a desperate emergency meal, using only the in-car cigarette lighter and your own arm.

■ You dream of fame and have achieved moderate success on a TV talent contest. Now, clamber out of the car in a manner that “accidentally” exposes your vagina to passers-by.

■ On holiday in France, you are negotiating a treacherous autoroute when your mobile rings. Due to the “miracle” of modern communications, you are able to join a long office conference call during which you must feign deference to authority figures who are much stupider than you. Express your state of irritation through the medium of lane discipline.

■ You are heading west out of London on the A4, arguably the slowest major road in Britain, when a radio debate reminds you that this country has more traffic congestion than any other in Europe, and 76% more than the European average. You’ve got plenty of time to consider this statistic, as you sit fuming in first gear. Demonstrate your ultimate fitness for driving by being intelligent: pull over, get out and head for the railway station.