You know the Mini Countryman, the one that looks like a normal Mini, only someone has stuck a big pump on its exhaust and pumped it up like a balloon? So I discovered (on Twitter, naturally) that it's known as the Mini C… Well, they, these people, the Twitter arbiters of automobiles and who drives them, take away the o and the r from its name. You see? And it's kind of perfect, if you look at how ridiculous these cars are and at who drives them. Unless she's a woman, of course, when I guess she can be a Countrywoman, with the o and the r.
But this isn't a Countryman, though. It looks like one from the front, but as you move farther aft, it has fewer doors and it tapers, sportily, like a Range Rover Evoke; plus, it has a more horizontal feel to it, along with horizontal rear lights. The Paceman, the latest addition to the enormous Mini dynasty, is the Countryman's sportier, younger, coupé cousin. But, if anything, driving it around makes me feel even more like a Countryman without the o and the r (and – why not? – without the y, m, a and n, too) than I did in a Countryman.
It's not that it isn't nice to be in. Inside, it feels like a Mini, with a big central speedometer and lots of black and chrome about the place. Its horizontal-ness means there's not as much headroom in the back as there is in a Countryman, nor quite as much boot space, but there's more than in a regular Mini. The 1.6 turbo petrol on this Cooper S is a very decent engine, with plenty of throttle response. The ride is a little higher than it is on a regular Mini, but there's very little roll on bends. It is, undeniably, a pleasant drive (though if you really enjoyed driving, you'd get something like a Scirocco instead).
But – and it's a massive but – look at it! It's ridiculous; all style over function, it shouts, "Look at me", when it should shut up and go away. It's just trying way too hard. I don't normally get self-conscious in cars (a Renault Twizy is no problem), but in this I think everyone's laughing at me. It's also ridiculously expensive, even more so than a Countryman, though you get fewer doors, less space, less car. So you'd have to be a mug, as well as a Countryman, minus a few letters, to get a Paceman
What will "they" call it, I wonder? A Mini Spaceman. Nah, because spacemen are properly cool and people like them. A Mini Pac-man? Because it takes 90-degree corners quite well and it gobbles up dots. Except that it doesn't. Hmm, dunno. Over to you, Twitter…
Mini Paceman Cooper S
Price £22,355
Top speed 135mph
Acceleration 0-60mph in 7.5 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 46.3mpg (manufacturer's figure)
CO2 emissions 143g/km
Green rating 5/10
Cool rating 1/10
