Regular readers of this column (hello, Mum) will know I haven't always got on brilliantly with Audis. Driving an A1 along the motorway during a heavy rainstorm, my driver's side wiper whooshed right off the windscreen and suddenly I couldn't see a thing. It "tried to kill me" I wrote, perhaps a little melodramatically. Another time, in an A6, the satnav tried to send me the wrong way round a major roundabout (on the A1 as it happens, confusingly). "This car is trying to kill me," I wrote again. Vorsprung durch bloody murder.
Perhaps you'll understand, then, why I approached this one with some trepidation. Is it going to try to finish what the others didn't quite manage? A high-speed blowout? Death by injector seat, perhaps?
I'm afraid not – no near-death experiences to relate. So here's the dull bit about what this car is actually like. The Q3 is a baby SUV, sometimes known as a "soft-roader". You've got the higher-up position but without the screw-you-all-and-screw-the-planet hatefulness of an SUV proper. A happy compromise perhaps, or neither one thing nor the other, depending on where you stand on soft-roaders (I mean no one's really going to go off-road in one are they?).
It's nice to drive, refined and quiet, without being especially engaging or exciting. Not a car for someone who loves driving. I think it's pretty to look at, but it's not going to be turning any heads. Inside, as you'd expect, it's all very classy without being too flash. An Audi then, basically.
There are two natural rivals to this car and I'm putting the Q3 in the middle, in terms of desirability. It's certainly nicer than the BMW Dog's Dinner (also known as the X1). But I'd rather have the new small Range Rover, the Evoque. It's cuter, more Gucci, more Footballers' Wives. And that's a good thing, because footballers' wives, and wannabe footballers' wives, are exactly who these baby SUVs are for.
Perhaps they can even be compared to footballers' wives, hopefully without being too sexist. So the Evoque is… well, it doesn't matter who she is, but she's got the heels, the hair, the make-up, the tan, the nails. And she's giving you the eye. The Q3, meanwhile, has been caught nipping out to the corner shop in a grey tracksuit and slippers. I mean, she's clearly gorgeous, but she's not how footballers' wives are supposed to be.
OK, so on the plus side, she didn't try to kill me. In fact, we got along pretty well. But it was always just a successful, professional working relationship; there was never a hint of anything more.
Audi Q3 2.0 TDI (177PS) Quattro
Price from £27,650
Top speed 132mph
Acceleration 0-62mph in 8.2 seconds
Average consumption 47.9mpg
CO2 emissions 156g/km
Eco rating 6/10
Cool rating 7/10
