Audi RS4 Quattro
£49,980
Zero to 125mph: 16.4 secs
Seats: 5
Good for: Margaux
Bad for: Pinot grigio
The customer in front of me has a body shape which can best be described as 'Teletubby' - thick arms and legs protrude from a potato torso, his abdomen wraps round him like a fleshy duvet. He's clutching boxes containing hundreds of cigarettes. I estimate he is about to buy 3,200 fags. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of crumpled fivers. I idly wonder how long it would take to smoke 3,200 cigarettes. It would make a good GCSE maths question: 'A man can smoke one cigarette in five minutes. How long will it take to puff through 3,200?' In case there is any doubt about whether they are for 'personal consumption', Tinky Winky lets rip a barking cough.
Anyone who has been to France by boat in the past few years will have seen people like this returning to England in ancient Transits so weighed down with booze that sparks fly as the rear axle drags over speed bumps. The only deterrent to these thirsty Europhiles used to be that their vehicle could be impounded - hence the worthless vans. Last year, customs impounded 90,000 of them. But now bootleggers needn't worry. A decision by the EC states that impounding is too harsh and is a 'block on the free movement of goods'. The generous limit of 90 litres of wine, 10 litres of spirits, 110 litres of beer, 3,200 cigarettes, 200 cigars and 3kg of tobacco still stands, but if you're suspected of smuggling now you simply pay the duty and a fine - and get to keep your van.
To help 'free the movement of goods', two beery football friends and I decided to take a day trip to France to load up with the provisions necessary to get us through the rest of the World Cup. (Another good GCSE question: 'If a fan drinks four pints of beer in 90 minutes, how many will he drink during the tournament?') Of course, with the threat of impounding now lifted, we chose to board the plushly revamped SeaFrance ferry not in a white van rescued from the knacker's yard but in something more in keeping with the lucrative life of the modern bootlegger - a £50,000 Audi RS4 Quattro.
Stuffed under the bonnet of this commonplace mid-size saloon is an engine that no other road car has ever seen. In fact, it's only a few tweaks short of the one that powers the multiple Le Mans-winning Audi R8. It's a 4.2-litre monster which produces 414bhp - the sort of over-specification in a family car you might experience if Jonah Lomu took up baby massage. But Audi is not in the business of putting drivers into road missiles without providing the means to manage them. Everything from the seats to the brakes to the unthreatening exterior ensures the RS4 is as easy to control as a muzzled rabbit.
Disembarking after our short hop, the lure of France's open roads proved impossible to resist and we spent our wine-tasting time tasting the car's prodigious acceleration. Once back on board, we stocked up with World Cup booty from the ferry's shop, before sailing through customs without a backward look. But then we were 70 litres of beer short of our personal limit.
· SeaFrance day crossings cost £30 for a car and up to five passengers (www.seafrance.com; 08705 711 711)
