Don't get me started If you've spent 50 grand on a car, you want it to do what it's told. We're talking voice-activated- controls. You tell it to turn the volume of the stereo down or put the wipers on and it does. The trouble is that not all cars understand all voices, as Mercedes have been finding out. So when Jimmy from Ayrshire tells his new E-class '"ch aye, hoots mon, it's a braw nicht fir puttin' on the licht", the poor car has no idea what he's on about. So they've called in the army. Really. British squaddies in Germany (the ones with regional accents) are helping out at Daimler-Chrysler - teaching the cars how to understand real English.

The star's a car-buyer Paragon Car Finance has researched star signs and the car-buying habits they inspire: Capricorns are the stingiest and Libras are the most extravagant - and also the most likely to buy a Skoda. Hang on, that doesn't really follow. So we won't bother with this silly survey any more.

The field-good factor If you're one of those 4WD owners who has never ventured off the school run route, let alone off-road, you can now live more easily in your shame. Splash-on Mud has arrived. Invented by Aussies Darren and Helen Sherren, you just add water, flick over the car, and impress the neighbours with stories of rugged outdoor adventures, even though you've never been beyond the M25.

Quote of the week "Whenever a new car was launched, the Vauxhall PR department would telephone to see if I'd like a test drive. And in the interests of fair and balanced reporting, I would always say yes. And I'd hate it. They even sent me a V6 Vectra, but a dog turd is still a dog turd, even when you smother it with horseradish sauce" Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear magazine.

A touch of glass Two winter driving tips. Clean your headlights: dirt can decrease luminous intensity by more than 50 per cent. And always carry your sunglasses in the car: winter glare can be extremely hazardous.